choices

I'd be lying if I said this wasn't breaking my heart.

Joel was supposed to buy a car from my dad. He failed to make the final payment, and my dad told him the deal was off, and he would be returning the money Joel had already paid him. Joel proceeded to ask my dad to "western union" the money to him at a Food Lion, so he could get it as soon as possible. My dad said he was not doing that, and asked Joel if he had an address that he could send the check to. Joel stated he had no address, and when my dad asked if he had a friend's address he could send it to, Joel said, "no one I can trust."

I am trying to get my head around this situation and the choices he is making. He had people he could trust. He lived with them. We provided him with everything he needed to be a successful person, and he threw it all away.

When I told Brandan I was having a hard time understanding Joel's choices, he responded with the following:

I think the only thing you need to understand is that Joel has actively done this to himself. At this point, the only thing we can do that actually helps him is to be the one entity in his life that he can depend on. By that, I mean he can depend on us to expect something from him, challenge him, hold him accountable, always tell the truth, and never take advantage of him. If we do anything else, we might ease his short term struggle, but we're not helping him. Instead we're helping ourselves to feel better. I think that's selfish. Joel will continue to make bad life choices, shirk responsibility, blame others and take advantage of people, including us, as long as he's allowed to. That is his perogative. It's painful to watch, but its how he wants to live. We can't compel him to do otherwise, no matter how hard we try, or how much we give or let him take. However, we can accept the truth, refuse to continue enabling him, and respect his person sovereignty.

Which is so very, very well said....but so hard to do.

Having a sad day today.

trying to find the words

Everyone I've talked to since yesterday has been asking the same question..."how are you doing?" In hindsight, I realize I gave just the facts. Because that's what it came down to--the facts.

So, here's the other side of it, as best as I can. Putting the feelings into words is tough.

Joel broke my heart. But it's not the first time. Joel and I have been here before, and he resorts to avoidance and evasiveness rather than deal with his problems and have to deal with confrontation. I think that Joel has interpersonal issues and poorly developed social skills. I think that something is missing or wired wrong in Joel's brain when it comes to relationships and the ability to feel and care about people. His responses to things give a lot of insight to the lack of depth that is there, whether it is by choice or by nature. He chooses to push people away rather than deal with the problems. I think he is probably embarassed and ashamed at his current situation, and he is too proud to come and talk to us and admit his mistakes.

Unfortunately for him, that is costing him dearly. We would have been happy to work with him if he had just opened up. But he is either unwilling or unable, and we are unwilling and unable to allow him to use us any longer.

Yesterday, Brandan called him to inform him that we had changed the locks and he was no longer welcome, and we would leave a bag outside for him with his things in it. With no remorse, no regret, no worry, no distress, he asked that Brandan make sure it included boxers and his work clothes. We were kicking him out, and his biggest worry was what we were packing in his bag.

I'm hurt. I'm hurt that after all we've been through, that we're back here again. That he allowed it to get this far. I'm sad. I'm sad that after all that love, caring, and survival, that this is the end of our story. This is not the ending I had hoped for. Mostly, I'm just worried. I don't know where he is. I don't know who he's with. I don't know where he's eating, sleeping, showering, or if he even has a place to do any of that. And I'm worried that he's going to end up back in jail. As horrible of a thing it is to say, maybe that wouldn't be the worst thing. At least I know he would be safe and fed.

Part of me feels responsible. We brought him here. Maybe that was the wrong move. Maybe the structure and rigidity of his daily life in Raleigh was what he needed, and we brought him here and he has lost that. But then I remind myself that I have given him everything. I have provided him with all the tools he needed to be a successful person, and he chose to toss all of that away. Regardless of location, he made these choices, not me. This is not my fault.

It's hard, and it's sad. But it's about survival. If Joel turns to me, and I can help him without putting myself at risk, then I will. But I am slowly seeing that he is the kind of person who will take as much as you give him. He will take and take and take until you have nothing left to give, and then he will try and take some more. Until he can grow up and learn to give back a little, I can't put myself out there, again, the way I have.

Days ago, before all this came to a head, I wrote a former counselor at the group home where I volunteered and met Joel for the first time. This is her response to me:

I am so sorry to hear about Joel. I am not too surprised. He does have mental health issues. My first guess is that he is doing drugs. People usually withdraw because they are ashamed, embarassed, doing something illegal, are trying to hide something or sin. He has dumped his responsibilities which also seems like a drug issue. Please be careful...maybe search his room when he is not there. If he has a key, watch that he may steal from you. He may be buying drugs for others also. He could be manipulated by a woman, he is vulnerable that way. He may need to hit the streets and come face to face with the hard truth. He is still a child that has trouble making the right decisions. Joel is sweet and charismatic but he is also manipulative and calculating. Don't let Joel cause problems with your marriage. You and Brandan come first.

Pretty direct and right on point, if you ask me. She articulated all the things I was thinking, all the things Brandan and I had discussed, and all the things I was scared to admit as possibilities. It's terrible. And it's sad. But if that's the person he chooses to be, I can't be a part of his life.

If I've taken anything away from this situation, it's that my marriage rocks. Brandan and I have stuck together like glue through this whole thing, and been on the same page almost the whole time. He's been my rock. While it's been hard, I think it's brought us closer. And I think, someday, we might make decent parents.

the straw that broke the camel's back

I haven't posted anything in awhile, but it's not for lack of trying. I have started numerous posts, but left them all as unfinished drafts...

I haven't been able to find the right words. I've been ashamed, embarassed. I've felt like a failure. I've felt hopeful, that things would turn around. But I've finally reached the point where I just feel anger. So here is the truth, as harsh as it is:

Joel is no longer welcome in our home. He has taken advantage of Brandan and I to the fullest extent, and he is not willing to work with us to fix things at all. He has stopped staying at our apartment, and sleeps there approximately 2 nights a week, coming in only to shower and do laundry. He has spent everything he and I worked so hard to save; he is behind on child support, is unable to pay his rent, and unable to make the final payment on the vehicle he was purchasing. He is on his 7th job, through a course of various firings, quittings, etc--whatever the case, we've been here since 12/15, and he's worked at SEVEN different locations. He cannot provide any explanation as to where his money went, or what he spent it on. While we have numerous speculations, Joel refuses to speak with us, so we can't confirm anything.

He will only communicate with us by text message, and even then, communication is spotty at best. He will never answer the phone if we call. He knows our schedule, so he comes home when we are gone, and leaves before we return. He has stopped paying us for groceries, but continues to eat our food. He still hasn't paid rent, but still showers and does laundry. While I believe that Brandan reached the end of his rope earlier than I did, last night was the end for me.

On Sunday evening, Joel agreed with Brandan that we would sit down and talk Monday evening after he got back from class. Out of pure concern for Joel, and hoping to get some insight into what is going on with him, I asked the girl he has been seeing on and off to meet with me. She and I had a cocktail, and she informed me that she hasn't seen Joel since he "moved out." When I asked what she was talking about, she said, "you know, since he got kicked out." He apparently has been telling her that he is "sleeping outside" and "has nowhere to go." Which, since you know he's still coming back when he's hungry or dirty, you know is not true in the slightest.

After meeting with the girlfriend, if I can even call her that, Brandan and I went to his class location to give him a ride home, so that he couldn't wiggle away and refuse to come home. Jump to sitting outside of class for 30 minutes, and we discover that Joel never actually went to class. He's not there. So we head home, to see if he tries to show up at the house and act like he's been to class and is just getting back. No Joel. Brandan texts him to ask if he needs a ride home, and leaves a voicemail asking if he's coming home so we can talk. No response. I call work location #1, to find out if he possibly picked up a shift since he couldn't pay rent, but they tell me he's not working. I call work location #2, and they tell me that Joel no longer works there--he quit last Wednesday or Thursday. Perfect.

So, we head out of the house, seeking the possible residence of Joel's friend Tyler on Coming Street, which is unfortunately all we know about him, other than he drives a big truck. We successfully find Tyler's truck, but are uncertain of which house is his. I toy with the idea of getting the police department involved, but quickly realize this is a terrible idea.

So I send Joel a text. (Remember, Brandan has already called and texted, both of which Joel ignored.) I say, "where are you? are you coming home tonight?" and the response I get is, "idk but my phone might die." This is Joel speak for I'm about to start ignoring you, but I'm going to tell you my phone is dead so I have an excuse. I again ask where he is, at which point he responds that he is "hanging out with this girl he works with at Southend." Not knowing if that means that he is hanging out at Southend with the girl, or if he is hanging out with the girl he met at Southend, Brandan and I turn the car around and head back downtown to check Southend. Joel, of course, is not there--too simple. I send him a response text saying "This is ridiculous. If you want to continue to live here, you need to come home RIGHT NOW. If you refuse to communicate with us, we have no choice but to get law enforcement involved."

Joel does not respond. (Presumably because his phone is dead?) I don't know what snapped inside me, but something did. Brandan and I have gone to hell and back for this person. We have stood by him every step of the way. Yet he is lying to us, carrying around a false sense of entitlement, and making no effort to patch things up when he knows things are not going well. Had he been willing to work with us, talk to us, communicate what went wrong...we could help him. But he chooses to avoid us. To manipulate us. To push us, test us. We're done being tested. We've proved ourselves over and over, but it's never enough.

Brandan and I have to do what is best for us. My home needs to be a place of peace for me, and right now it is a place of turmoil. If Joel wants to go through life a liar, using people to get from point A to point B, fine. But count us out. Because we've been here before. This is the part where we save Joel, he apologies, tears are shed, he keeps himself in check for a period of time, and then goes back to self-destruction, and expects us to be there. I can't do it anymore. I'm exhausted.

A locksmith is coming to change the locks on the apartment today. We are working with the landlord to have Joel's name removed from the lease, so he can be trespassed from the property. He will be welcome to come back and get his things, as long as he has a police escort. We cannot enable him any longer, and we cannot help someone who does not want to help themselves.

Sick Cycle Carousel

If shame had a face I think it would kinda look like mine

If it had a home would it be my eyes?

Would you believe me if I said I'm tired of this

Well here we go now, one more time

'Cause I tried to climb your steps

I tried to chase you down

I tried to see how low I could get down to the ground

I tried to earn my way

I tried to tame this mind

You better believe that I have tried to beat this

So when will this end

It goes on and on

Over and over and over again

Keep spinning around I know that it won't stop

'Til I step down from this for good

I never thought I'd end up here

Never thought I'd be standing where I am

I guess I kinda thought it would be easier than this

I guess I was wrong

~Lifehouse

having your "sh*t together"

Someone, please, enlighten me as to what the true definition of what having your shit together means.

Parenting a 19 year-old is hard. Re-parenting one who was parented the wrong way the first time around is even harder. And having to remember every day that that 19 year-old, in a measure of normal life experiences, is probably only actually about 17, and then lowering your expectations to be in sync with that? Damn near impossible.

It's a constant daily struggle for me, deciding which battles to pick and which ones to let slide. I'm quickly realizing that if Joel wants to make something happen, he will. So I fight this battle with myself every day, deciding whether I need to remind him of the 12 things he needs to take care of today, or if I just let him mess it up and learn. He's proven to himself and us he doesn't learn unless he screws up royally and pays for it dearly, but that's a hard way to go through the rest of your life. Unfortunately I have this feeling (Brandan calls it mother's instinct, haha) when he's not doing the things he should be. My instinct then is to tell him to do them, but that doesn't seem to be getting us anywhere, which brings me to the topic at hand, having your shit together.

Joel has been "talking to" this girl named Kyle. (No, that's not a typo.) He had her over to spend the night the other night (which breached a whole other agreement, but not related to the current discussion). The extent of our interaction with her included scrutinizing her facebook page, shaking her hand in the living room, and then saying nice to meet you as they disappeared into Joel's room.

Here's what I do know about her, from what I've gathered from Joel and facebook:

She's 23. She has a college education (from Seattle--she isn't afraid to travel). She works 2 jobs. She lives in an apartment with friends. She's cute, and has a nice smile. She drinks a lot (who didn't when they were 23??).

If you ask me, I think this girl has got it together. She just moved back home at Christmastime, and just moved out of her mom's house and into an apartment with friends last week. She's cute, she's educated, she's employed, and she's interested in Joel. I'd say he's winning.

Until he informs Brandan and I in the kitchen tonight that she "doesn't have her shit together" and that's why he's not interested in having a serious relationship with her. When asked to explain, the answer he provides is "She's 23 and she doesn't even have a car. She lives in an apartment with friends and works 2 jobs. She's older, she should have accomplished more by now."

But this is all the explanation he can give. So, essentially, she doesn't have it together because she doesn't have a car. She's interested in Joel, who has not even a high school education, no car, no license, works 2 jobs in the restaurant industry, essentially lives with his parents...but SHE'S the one who doesn't have it together.

So I'm realizing, it's all in your perspective. (I don't understand Joel's perspective, but that's neither here nor there.) What does it mean to "have your shit together?" How do you know when you've reached that point?

back in the saddle

Well, it didn't take long--I think all of about 48 hours, to be exact, before Joel found another job to replace the one he lost. Coincidentally enough, a local restaurant called him because they were doing some hiring and had his resume in the pile, and he just happened to need a job. He's now working at Hymann's Seafood. Hymann's Seafood was in Southern Living magazine in the 80's and was recognized as the "best Charleston restaurant" or "best seafood in the south" or something along those lines, and they've been playing off it ever since, drawing in all the tourists who get sucked into believing it's a current award. I can't judge too much, because I've never eaten there. That being said, I lived here for 4 years, ate in pretty much every restaurant that existed, and still haven't been there, so I think that says something as well. :) Here's the photo from their website, and not an inaccurate depiction of how the place looks in high tourist season:

Regardless, it pays Joel's bills, and that's all that matters. They were willing to work around his school schedule, so it worked out for him.

He also went and joined a gym today. He's paying a premium, because it's downtown, but it's a good, productive thing for him to be doing with his time, and might hopefully help him meet some people. Hopefully he doesn't become like the majority of people, who pay for gym memberships and never use them--not something he can afford.

it's a hard knock life

Joel got "let go" from his job as a barback today...in a text message. It never ceases to amaze me how unprofessional people are in the restaurant industry.

He was at his first job when he received the text message, so he waited until he got off and went over to Boone's to speak with a manager. They told him their reasons were because he a.) continuously asked the bartenders for tipouts, and b.) didn't clean the floors well enough, and they were having to be cleaned again in the morning, and it "just wasn't working out."

When Joel was hired, he was told the job was hourly wage + tipouts. Once he started working there, he never received tipouts, and when he asked, he was told it was only when they were busy. Then, when they were busy, he still didn't get tipped out. I don't think Joel was wrong in asking for the tipout, but I think he went about it in the wrong manner. He shouldn't have been asking the bartenders, he should have gone to upper management and asked what the conditions of the job were, and if they had changed he should have been told as much. Since we're only getting the Joel side of the story, it's possible he was told, and just didn't listen, but who knows.

I don't think Joel's that broken up over it, because he got home at 5am this morning and had to be at his other job at 10am. I don't think it would have been long before he decided it wasn't the right place for him--we had a conversation in the car, just this morning, about how he wasn't really happy there because he thought he was going to be getting tips, and he wasn't, and the amount of work he was doing wasn't worth $8/hr. I personally see it as a blessing in disguise, because he now has a bit more time to dedicate to his GED and schoolwork. He's not happy, because he needs a second job if he wants to drive his sweet ass whip, but I have no doubt he will be out looking for another job tomorrow in order to be able to drive.

I remember the only job I ever got "let go" from--I worked at a card store when I was 15, and a new manager came in and pushed everybody out the door, giving all of us a different reason of why we weren't good employees. I remember feeling stricken and hurt, and going home in tears--no one likes being told they aren't good enough. But in Joel's case, I think this might be a good thing for him. A bit of a humbling experience, which is something he needs in his life--knowing that in any job, you are always replaceable. Harsh, but a reality. He's always talking himself up, saying how they "need him"--and he's just been handed a reality check that no one "needs" him, and employment is a privilege, not a right.

I don't even know what to title this one.

Joel got a phone call yesterday from an old friend letting him know his sister had been arrested.

http://www.wral.com/news/news_briefs/story/8970500/

Finding out things like this just tell me that we did the right thing by getting him out of Raleigh. He wasn't in contact with his sister, but he was in contact with his father, who saw his sister often. The article doesn't say it, but they later found out that the person who "committed" the robbery was Ownie Henry, who is his sister's boyfriend, and the person who got Joel involved in illegal activity back when Joel was 15.

The saddest part? Lindsay just had a baby. Both parents are now in jail, and Joel's parents can't even get custody of their own children--so, another one added to the foster care system...

sweet ass whips!

Take most people, they're crazy about cars. They worry if they get a little scratch on them, and they're always talking about how many miles they get to a gallon, and if they get a brand-new car already they start thinking about trading it in for one that's even newer. I don't even like old cars. I mean they don't even interest me. I'd rather have a goddam horse. A horse is at least human, for God's sake. ~J.D. Salinger, Catcher in the Rye

So, Joel has become fixated on driving. While I understand this need, or urge, he refuses to listen to us on the issues of how expensive owning a car is, how he is not going to be able to park downtown when he goes to work for 15 hours a day, how if he does he is going to get parking tickets and boots, and that the beauty of living downtown is not having to drive. But, he's never had a license, and for those of you that know about the debacle with the car and tickets in Raleigh know we're not starting with a clean slate here.

The short version of the story is this: At the start, Joel informed us he wanted to purchase a "sweet ass whip*," and I, probably because I'm so old, had no idea what that meant. Since then, I have had multiple "sweet ass whips" pointed out to me on the road, so I now have a better understanding. Unfortunately Joel is unable to afford said sweet ass whip, since he will be spending about $200 a month on car insurance. Joel decided to compromise his lofty goals of purchasing the 1992 Lexus on craiglist for $1500 (engine not included) and agree to a more reasonable solution. My dad (thank heavens for him) is selling Joel his old car. It's a 1998 Ford Explorer, but it's in good shape both mechanically and physically, and will be something reliable and safe he can drive.

In the state of SC, you cannot get a driver's license unless you have an active insurance policy, regardless of if you own a vehicle or not. So, Joel is going to have to fork over the money to activate the insurance to get the license--and if he fails the test, he's wasted that money. As I am quickly discovering, though, convincing a 19 year old that they don't know everything is quite a tough feat. Joel is certain, although coming from NC, that he knows the SC laws, can pass the test, and his ability to "sort of parallel park" will serve him well enough. The catch? He needs US to take him to the DMV to take his test.

One condition of Joel moving here with us was to get his GED. While his class has been cancelled a few times, he has not been doing any studying on his own, regardless of the extensive suggestions Brandan and I have given him. After a talk with my mom (mom is always right), she suggested we find out what means something to him, and use it as an incentive. So, the plan is this: Get your GED, and I'll take you to get your driver's license. On a smaller scale, finish those 4 pages of math problems, and I'll take you outside and teach you how to parallel park for an hour. We know that (despite Joel's refusals) that the minute he gets that car and license, he's gone. Studying is going to be out of the picture. So I told him I'm holding the car, and not taking him to take his driver's test, until he gets the GED.

It's tough, because we're not Joel's parents. But we moved Joel here with us, and he has no one else to provide him guidance and keep him on track. At first I felt like I couldn't say things like, "you can't have your license until you get your GED," because that's such a parent thing to say. But I'm quickly realizing that Joel still needs these kind of boundaries and goals set for him, and we're the only people who are going to do it. He makes poor decisions because he doesn't have the knowledge to make good ones, and it's up to Brandan and I to educate him about how the real world works, so that when the time comes, he can make the right choice on his own.

*"Whip"-When the steering wheel was first put into use in automobiles, it was called the "whip". The whip is what you used to control the horses on a stagecoach, hence the analogy. Many years later, various hip hop artists noticed that the Mercedes-Benz logo resembled a steering wheel. They then proceeded to use the old term "whip" to describe any Mercedes-Benz vehicle. The term has now been generalized to classify any expensive automobile.
Source: www.urbandictionary.com

the beauty of being old

It feels like everything in our house has settled into what will become a familiar routine. Joel has started working 2 jobs--one at King Street Grille and a second shift at Boone's Bar and Grill. He works about 35 hours a week at each place, so he's rarely around for dinner and the like, but he has made sure that both places know he has class on Monday and Wednesday nights and is not available to work. His current schedule has him off on Mondays, at class on Monday nights, a double on Tuesdays (keep in mind, a double is King Street Grille from 10am-5pm and Boone's from 5pm-3am), Wednesday dayshift at King Street Grille from 10-5, class Wednesday night from 6-8, Thursday dayshift off (we have deemed this 'study time,' although neither of us are here to enforce, so the amount of actual studying done is questionable), Thursday night at Boone's from 5pm-3am, and straight doubles Fri, Sat, and Sun, with an early close of 8pm on Sunday. If nothing else, Joel is a hard worker. He seems to have a (vague) idea of where he wants to be, and has learned that not much else other than hard work will get you there. I've heard him say numerous times that he never ever wants to go back to jail again, that it was the scariest place he's ever been, and I think he's proving to both us and himself that he has left that old self by the wayside. Perhaps this realization seems a bit delayed, after knowing him for a year and a half and moving him here with us, but it's hard to not have that nagging doubt that the person he was might still be buried in there somewhere, and come back and destroy all of us when it all just becomes too much for him. I'm starting to believe though, that he's moved on and grown up a bit. Don't get me wrong, there's still plenty of growing up for him to do, but it feels like he's headed in the right direction.

Brandan and I have been informed multiple times since we moved in with Joel that we are old. Being under 30, this is hard to swallow--I am old in someone else's eyes. Wasn't I just here in college, in my jeans and flip flops, headed to class? I'm back, and I'm still in my jeans and flip flops--but I'm no longer part of the heartbeat of this town. The current of energy comes from the college students, and they are all cohesive, coming together as a unit, and keeping this place alive, like a heartbeat. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad to have moved on. It simply feels like it wasn't that long ago that I was a part of it all. Now, I'm being told by someone in that group that I am an outsider, an 'old person.' And while a close look in the mirror reveals some fine lines around the eyes that weren't there a few years ago, I don't FEEL old. So, I resign myself to the fact that perhaps I'm not quite as old as Joel makes me out to be, and not quite as ancient as I make myself out to be after being told I'm old. It's easy to forget how much of a difference 10 years makes at that age. While I think Joel over exaggerates ("Society has changed since you guys were young, relationships are different, you don't know how things are now"), I remind myself we are of the same generation, and 10 years from now, when he is our age, he will realize that he's just getting started on life.

So, I try as much as possible to be 'cool and hip,' and at the same time let Joel be 19. As much as it drives me crazy when he comes out of his room, sits down at the table, scarfs down a meal, and immediately gets up and goes back to his room, I remind myself that this is his first opportunity at being a normal kid. And for a 19-year old, that is normal behavior. He comes with a history of living in a trailer in Colorado with 13 people, and living in a car with 3 other people. He comes from foster care, abusive parents, drug and alcohol abuse. It's a small miracle that he's come out as unbroken as he is. So when something that presents itself as a typical teenager trait drives me crazy, I do my best to let it slide, and let him be a normal, sullen, withdrawn, untalkative teenager, just like the rest.

In the meantime, we will continue to be "the old people," who give him advice that he doesn't want or doesn't think is relevant to his life. But 10 years from now, when he is "old," and has the sudden realization that all those little snippets of advice given over dinner, or in the car on the way to work, or down the hall as the door closes halfway through my sentence were actually accurate, I will know I wasn't wasting my breath. I was simply passing on what is meant to be passed on. The advice my parents gave me, about life, when I thought they knew nothing. Turns out they knew it all. And when I think he's not listening, I think about myself, and how I didn't think I was listening, but now realize I was, all along.