I haven't been able to find the right words. I've been ashamed, embarassed. I've felt like a failure. I've felt hopeful, that things would turn around. But I've finally reached the point where I just feel anger. So here is the truth, as harsh as it is:
Joel is no longer welcome in our home. He has taken advantage of Brandan and I to the fullest extent, and he is not willing to work with us to fix things at all. He has stopped staying at our apartment, and sleeps there approximately 2 nights a week, coming in only to shower and do laundry. He has spent everything he and I worked so hard to save; he is behind on child support, is unable to pay his rent, and unable to make the final payment on the vehicle he was purchasing. He is on his 7th job, through a course of various firings, quittings, etc--whatever the case, we've been here since 12/15, and he's worked at SEVEN different locations. He cannot provide any explanation as to where his money went, or what he spent it on. While we have numerous speculations, Joel refuses to speak with us, so we can't confirm anything.
He will only communicate with us by text message, and even then, communication is spotty at best. He will never answer the phone if we call. He knows our schedule, so he comes home when we are gone, and leaves before we return. He has stopped paying us for groceries, but continues to eat our food. He still hasn't paid rent, but still showers and does laundry. While I believe that Brandan reached the end of his rope earlier than I did, last night was the end for me.
On Sunday evening, Joel agreed with Brandan that we would sit down and talk Monday evening after he got back from class. Out of pure concern for Joel, and hoping to get some insight into what is going on with him, I asked the girl he has been seeing on and off to meet with me. She and I had a cocktail, and she informed me that she hasn't seen Joel since he "moved out." When I asked what she was talking about, she said, "you know, since he got kicked out." He apparently has been telling her that he is "sleeping outside" and "has nowhere to go." Which, since you know he's still coming back when he's hungry or dirty, you know is not true in the slightest.
After meeting with the girlfriend, if I can even call her that, Brandan and I went to his class location to give him a ride home, so that he couldn't wiggle away and refuse to come home. Jump to sitting outside of class for 30 minutes, and we discover that Joel never actually went to class. He's not there. So we head home, to see if he tries to show up at the house and act like he's been to class and is just getting back. No Joel. Brandan texts him to ask if he needs a ride home, and leaves a voicemail asking if he's coming home so we can talk. No response. I call work location #1, to find out if he possibly picked up a shift since he couldn't pay rent, but they tell me he's not working. I call work location #2, and they tell me that Joel no longer works there--he quit last Wednesday or Thursday. Perfect.
So, we head out of the house, seeking the possible residence of Joel's friend Tyler on Coming Street, which is unfortunately all we know about him, other than he drives a big truck. We successfully find Tyler's truck, but are uncertain of which house is his. I toy with the idea of getting the police department involved, but quickly realize this is a terrible idea.
So I send Joel a text. (Remember, Brandan has already called and texted, both of which Joel ignored.) I say, "where are you? are you coming home tonight?" and the response I get is, "idk but my phone might die." This is Joel speak for I'm about to start ignoring you, but I'm going to tell you my phone is dead so I have an excuse. I again ask where he is, at which point he responds that he is "hanging out with this girl he works with at Southend." Not knowing if that means that he is hanging out at Southend with the girl, or if he is hanging out with the girl he met at Southend, Brandan and I turn the car around and head back downtown to check Southend. Joel, of course, is not there--too simple. I send him a response text saying "This is ridiculous. If you want to continue to live here, you need to come home RIGHT NOW. If you refuse to communicate with us, we have no choice but to get law enforcement involved."
Joel does not respond. (Presumably because his phone is dead?) I don't know what snapped inside me, but something did. Brandan and I have gone to hell and back for this person. We have stood by him every step of the way. Yet he is lying to us, carrying around a false sense of entitlement, and making no effort to patch things up when he knows things are not going well. Had he been willing to work with us, talk to us, communicate what went wrong...we could help him. But he chooses to avoid us. To manipulate us. To push us, test us. We're done being tested. We've proved ourselves over and over, but it's never enough.
Brandan and I have to do what is best for us. My home needs to be a place of peace for me, and right now it is a place of turmoil. If Joel wants to go through life a liar, using people to get from point A to point B, fine. But count us out. Because we've been here before. This is the part where we save Joel, he apologies, tears are shed, he keeps himself in check for a period of time, and then goes back to self-destruction, and expects us to be there. I can't do it anymore. I'm exhausted.
A locksmith is coming to change the locks on the apartment today. We are working with the landlord to have Joel's name removed from the lease, so he can be trespassed from the property. He will be welcome to come back and get his things, as long as he has a police escort. We cannot enable him any longer, and we cannot help someone who does not want to help themselves.
Sick Cycle Carousel
If shame had a face I think it would kinda look like mine
If it had a home would it be my eyes?
Would you believe me if I said I'm tired of this
Well here we go now, one more time
'Cause I tried to climb your steps
I tried to chase you down
I tried to see how low I could get down to the ground
I tried to earn my way
I tried to tame this mind
You better believe that I have tried to beat this
So when will this end
It goes on and on
Over and over and over again
Keep spinning around I know that it won't stop
'Til I step down from this for good
I never thought I'd end up here
Never thought I'd be standing where I am
I guess I kinda thought it would be easier than this
I guess I was wrong
~Lifehouse
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