Everyone I've talked to since yesterday has been asking the same question..."how are you doing?" In hindsight, I realize I gave just the facts. Because that's what it came down to--the facts.
So, here's the other side of it, as best as I can. Putting the feelings into words is tough.
Joel broke my heart. But it's not the first time. Joel and I have been here before, and he resorts to avoidance and evasiveness rather than deal with his problems and have to deal with confrontation. I think that Joel has interpersonal issues and poorly developed social skills. I think that something is missing or wired wrong in Joel's brain when it comes to relationships and the ability to feel and care about people. His responses to things give a lot of insight to the lack of depth that is there, whether it is by choice or by nature. He chooses to push people away rather than deal with the problems. I think he is probably embarassed and ashamed at his current situation, and he is too proud to come and talk to us and admit his mistakes.
Unfortunately for him, that is costing him dearly. We would have been happy to work with him if he had just opened up. But he is either unwilling or unable, and we are unwilling and unable to allow him to use us any longer.
Yesterday, Brandan called him to inform him that we had changed the locks and he was no longer welcome, and we would leave a bag outside for him with his things in it. With no remorse, no regret, no worry, no distress, he asked that Brandan make sure it included boxers and his work clothes. We were kicking him out, and his biggest worry was what we were packing in his bag.
I'm hurt. I'm hurt that after all we've been through, that we're back here again. That he allowed it to get this far. I'm sad. I'm sad that after all that love, caring, and survival, that this is the end of our story. This is not the ending I had hoped for. Mostly, I'm just worried. I don't know where he is. I don't know who he's with. I don't know where he's eating, sleeping, showering, or if he even has a place to do any of that. And I'm worried that he's going to end up back in jail. As horrible of a thing it is to say, maybe that wouldn't be the worst thing. At least I know he would be safe and fed.
Part of me feels responsible. We brought him here. Maybe that was the wrong move. Maybe the structure and rigidity of his daily life in Raleigh was what he needed, and we brought him here and he has lost that. But then I remind myself that I have given him everything. I have provided him with all the tools he needed to be a successful person, and he chose to toss all of that away. Regardless of location, he made these choices, not me. This is not my fault.
It's hard, and it's sad. But it's about survival. If Joel turns to me, and I can help him without putting myself at risk, then I will. But I am slowly seeing that he is the kind of person who will take as much as you give him. He will take and take and take until you have nothing left to give, and then he will try and take some more. Until he can grow up and learn to give back a little, I can't put myself out there, again, the way I have.
Days ago, before all this came to a head, I wrote a former counselor at the group home where I volunteered and met Joel for the first time. This is her response to me:
I am so sorry to hear about Joel. I am not too surprised. He does have mental health issues. My first guess is that he is doing drugs. People usually withdraw because they are ashamed, embarassed, doing something illegal, are trying to hide something or sin. He has dumped his responsibilities which also seems like a drug issue. Please be careful...maybe search his room when he is not there. If he has a key, watch that he may steal from you. He may be buying drugs for others also. He could be manipulated by a woman, he is vulnerable that way. He may need to hit the streets and come face to face with the hard truth. He is still a child that has trouble making the right decisions. Joel is sweet and charismatic but he is also manipulative and calculating. Don't let Joel cause problems with your marriage. You and Brandan come first.
Pretty direct and right on point, if you ask me. She articulated all the things I was thinking, all the things Brandan and I had discussed, and all the things I was scared to admit as possibilities. It's terrible. And it's sad. But if that's the person he chooses to be, I can't be a part of his life.
If I've taken anything away from this situation, it's that my marriage rocks. Brandan and I have stuck together like glue through this whole thing, and been on the same page almost the whole time. He's been my rock. While it's been hard, I think it's brought us closer. And I think, someday, we might make decent parents.
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