Parenting a 19 year-old is hard. Re-parenting one who was parented the wrong way the first time around is even harder. And having to remember every day that that 19 year-old, in a measure of normal life experiences, is probably only actually about 17, and then lowering your expectations to be in sync with that? Damn near impossible.
It's a constant daily struggle for me, deciding which battles to pick and which ones to let slide. I'm quickly realizing that if Joel wants to make something happen, he will. So I fight this battle with myself every day, deciding whether I need to remind him of the 12 things he needs to take care of today, or if I just let him mess it up and learn. He's proven to himself and us he doesn't learn unless he screws up royally and pays for it dearly, but that's a hard way to go through the rest of your life. Unfortunately I have this feeling (Brandan calls it mother's instinct, haha) when he's not doing the things he should be. My instinct then is to tell him to do them, but that doesn't seem to be getting us anywhere, which brings me to the topic at hand, having your shit together.
Joel has been "talking to" this girl named Kyle. (No, that's not a typo.) He had her over to spend the night the other night (which breached a whole other agreement, but not related to the current discussion). The extent of our interaction with her included scrutinizing her facebook page, shaking her hand in the living room, and then saying nice to meet you as they disappeared into Joel's room.
Here's what I do know about her, from what I've gathered from Joel and facebook:
She's 23. She has a college education (from Seattle--she isn't afraid to travel). She works 2 jobs. She lives in an apartment with friends. She's cute, and has a nice smile. She drinks a lot (who didn't when they were 23??).
If you ask me, I think this girl has got it together. She just moved back home at Christmastime, and just moved out of her mom's house and into an apartment with friends last week. She's cute, she's educated, she's employed, and she's interested in Joel. I'd say he's winning.
Until he informs Brandan and I in the kitchen tonight that she "doesn't have her shit together" and that's why he's not interested in having a serious relationship with her. When asked to explain, the answer he provides is "She's 23 and she doesn't even have a car. She lives in an apartment with friends and works 2 jobs. She's older, she should have accomplished more by now."
But this is all the explanation he can give. So, essentially, she doesn't have it together because she doesn't have a car. She's interested in Joel, who has not even a high school education, no car, no license, works 2 jobs in the restaurant industry, essentially lives with his parents...but SHE'S the one who doesn't have it together.
So I'm realizing, it's all in your perspective. (I don't understand Joel's perspective, but that's neither here nor there.) What does it mean to "have your shit together?" How do you know when you've reached that point?
I battle that question every day. I certainly don't feel like I have my shit together, but relative to the rest of the world, I'm doing okay.
ReplyDeleteMaybe it's a good sign--maybe he has really high standards and expectations. I mean, if he thinks someone should be way more accomplished than her by the time they are 23, that must mean he's expecting that for himself, right? It may seem slightly unrealistic to us now, and he will probably continue to be disappointed until he learns, but I will readily admit that at 19 I had unrealistic expectations of my own career and accomplishments for the all-too-near future. I think my 19 year-old self would be aghast to learn what my 29 year-old self is.
Gees. That was ten years ago, wasn't it?