having your "sh*t together"

Someone, please, enlighten me as to what the true definition of what having your shit together means.

Parenting a 19 year-old is hard. Re-parenting one who was parented the wrong way the first time around is even harder. And having to remember every day that that 19 year-old, in a measure of normal life experiences, is probably only actually about 17, and then lowering your expectations to be in sync with that? Damn near impossible.

It's a constant daily struggle for me, deciding which battles to pick and which ones to let slide. I'm quickly realizing that if Joel wants to make something happen, he will. So I fight this battle with myself every day, deciding whether I need to remind him of the 12 things he needs to take care of today, or if I just let him mess it up and learn. He's proven to himself and us he doesn't learn unless he screws up royally and pays for it dearly, but that's a hard way to go through the rest of your life. Unfortunately I have this feeling (Brandan calls it mother's instinct, haha) when he's not doing the things he should be. My instinct then is to tell him to do them, but that doesn't seem to be getting us anywhere, which brings me to the topic at hand, having your shit together.

Joel has been "talking to" this girl named Kyle. (No, that's not a typo.) He had her over to spend the night the other night (which breached a whole other agreement, but not related to the current discussion). The extent of our interaction with her included scrutinizing her facebook page, shaking her hand in the living room, and then saying nice to meet you as they disappeared into Joel's room.

Here's what I do know about her, from what I've gathered from Joel and facebook:

She's 23. She has a college education (from Seattle--she isn't afraid to travel). She works 2 jobs. She lives in an apartment with friends. She's cute, and has a nice smile. She drinks a lot (who didn't when they were 23??).

If you ask me, I think this girl has got it together. She just moved back home at Christmastime, and just moved out of her mom's house and into an apartment with friends last week. She's cute, she's educated, she's employed, and she's interested in Joel. I'd say he's winning.

Until he informs Brandan and I in the kitchen tonight that she "doesn't have her shit together" and that's why he's not interested in having a serious relationship with her. When asked to explain, the answer he provides is "She's 23 and she doesn't even have a car. She lives in an apartment with friends and works 2 jobs. She's older, she should have accomplished more by now."

But this is all the explanation he can give. So, essentially, she doesn't have it together because she doesn't have a car. She's interested in Joel, who has not even a high school education, no car, no license, works 2 jobs in the restaurant industry, essentially lives with his parents...but SHE'S the one who doesn't have it together.

So I'm realizing, it's all in your perspective. (I don't understand Joel's perspective, but that's neither here nor there.) What does it mean to "have your shit together?" How do you know when you've reached that point?

back in the saddle

Well, it didn't take long--I think all of about 48 hours, to be exact, before Joel found another job to replace the one he lost. Coincidentally enough, a local restaurant called him because they were doing some hiring and had his resume in the pile, and he just happened to need a job. He's now working at Hymann's Seafood. Hymann's Seafood was in Southern Living magazine in the 80's and was recognized as the "best Charleston restaurant" or "best seafood in the south" or something along those lines, and they've been playing off it ever since, drawing in all the tourists who get sucked into believing it's a current award. I can't judge too much, because I've never eaten there. That being said, I lived here for 4 years, ate in pretty much every restaurant that existed, and still haven't been there, so I think that says something as well. :) Here's the photo from their website, and not an inaccurate depiction of how the place looks in high tourist season:

Regardless, it pays Joel's bills, and that's all that matters. They were willing to work around his school schedule, so it worked out for him.

He also went and joined a gym today. He's paying a premium, because it's downtown, but it's a good, productive thing for him to be doing with his time, and might hopefully help him meet some people. Hopefully he doesn't become like the majority of people, who pay for gym memberships and never use them--not something he can afford.